What’s a Pea-Shooter Anyway? 480 Words of Nonsense

“Put that pea-shooter down.” It keeps running through my head. But he doesn’t say “down,” does he? It’s more like “day-ow-n.”

“Put that pea-shootah day-own-n.” What’s a pea-shooter anyway? It sounds delicious. Like an oyster shooter but instead of an oyster there’s a frozen pea, and instead of bloody mary mix (or whatever they put in oysters shooters; I don’t really know because I’ve never actually had one) it’s split pea soup. Though I guess if you put a pea into split pea soup you wouldn’t even notice it’s there. Kind of like the princess and the pea, you know, but with soup instead of a towering stack of mattresses.

So presumably you’d need something else. What goes with peas, potatoes? So it could be a shooter with really, really thin mashed potatoes and a pea.

Then I’d call it “Frog Eye Soup,” though, because that’s what my big sister and I used to call it when we mixed our peas into our mashed potatoes. We thought we were so clever, but actually we were just elementary school kids. Anyway, close enough to a pea-shooter. And besides:

“Put that pea-shooter down.”

The whole point of this is that a couple of weeks ago my lady and I watched Robin Hood. Not Men in Tights, not the bizarro Kevin Costner one, but the real one. The one with music by Roger Miller. “Every town / has its ups and downs / Sometimes the ups / outnumber the downs / Not in Nottingham.” But again, it’s more like “day-ow-ns.” But when you’re rhyming a word with itself it doesn’t really matter how you pronounce it.

So we were watching Robin Hood, the real one, the good one. And we fell asleep on the couch. Maybe that’s what adults do when they watch children’s movies. And now two or three or four or five weeks later (who’s to say how long ago we watched it?) one random phrase from the movie is running through my brain. Like, literally running. Inside my head there’s a vast emptiness, where for other people a functioning brain would be. And I mean it’s vast. Have you seen the size of my head? Huge head, tiny ears. I’m the anti-elf.

So there’s this vast emptiness, and there’s a marquee that just spans the entire width of it. Sometimes (usually) the marquee has random song lyrics running across it, just on a loop, singing non-stop. Sometimes it’s names that I encountered and liked, like Quincy Pondexter. But today it’s Robin Hood. “Put that pea-shootah day-ow-n.”

And the funny thing is I still haven’t figured out what a pea-shooter is.

Maybe the whole point of this is that sometimes we take things so seriously, and we should just cool it and snuggle on the couch and take naps while watching children’s movies from the 1970s.

That’s just me over-utilizing my pea-shooter. I need to put that pea-shootah day-ow-n.

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